


Trifles

by dormiensa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Marriage, Mild Language, Plot Based on Book/Film, Post-Hogwarts, Romance, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-15
Updated: 2014-12-15
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3718735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dormiensa/pseuds/dormiensa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Voldemort-free wizarding world is finally showing signs of growth as the first group of post-war Hogwarts graduates take unprecedented steps towards interhouse unity.  Only two among their most prominent members remain aloof.  But not for long, if a group of scheming matchmakers have their way ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> Remix of: Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing   
> Beta: withdrawnred

**scene i**  
Timeline: 3/52 B.S.  
Location: ballroom of Exbury Hall, the Potter ancestral home  
In Attendance: all invited guests

As Harry meandered the crowds, accepting smiles, toasts, and pats on the back, he felt an overwhelming sense of bliss: seven years ago, a similar crowd had gathered in the Great Hall of Hogwarts, but the mood and situation had been very different. Then, there had been a mixed feeling of relief and sorrow—Voldemort had been defeated, but the cost in lives had seemed too great a price. Tonight, however, Harry genuinely felt, for the first time, that he could take some credit for bringing together a group that had been forcefully divided into two opposing sides by a madman; he felt, for the first time, that the unwanted attention given to the Boy-Who-Fulfilled-the-Prophecy was not such a bad thing if it had served the useful purpose of cementing true unity among friends and former foes in a way that would have made Dumbledore proud. 

Joining his bride in small talk with some guests, Harry noticed a small crowd gathering in one corner of the ballroom. Two voices could gradually be heard coming from the centre of the group, and Harry smiled ruefully as he recognized them. Politely excusing himself and his new bride and giving a warning tug on Pansy's elbow, he led the way toward the focal point of interest.

" ... would not have fallen into the abyss after the bridge was destroyed!"

"The books and all the stories have always said that they spread wide like an all-encompassing darkness! It's like animals—puffer fish, porcupines, frilled lizards—who increase in size to make themselves seem more intimidating!"

"The technique was metaphorical! They were more akin to Boggarts. Their innate magical abilities were what made them fearsome adversaries, not their size!"

"But if you look at the illustrations—"

"Oh, Thuringwethil's bloody quim, woman! For the last time: _Balrogs did not have wings!_ "

In silent agreement, Harry and Pansy quickly separated their respective best friends and tried their best to calm them. It was embarrassing, really, the way that Hermione and Malfoy still bickered like they had in school. Even with all the interhouse pairs—Neville and Daphne, Nott and Susan, Justin and Padma ... and now, of course, Pansy and Harry, himself—the camaraderie did not seem to extend to those two, who still could not stay in the same room without getting into some sort of argument. Like a crabby old married couple, they were.

It wasn't until all their guests had departed and the couple were settling in for the night that that fleeting thought and all its implications came rushing back. 

"Panse, what do you think about playing matchmaker and pairing up Hermione and Malfoy?"

"Harry, are you out of your mind? They'd kill each other and cause such an explosion of rage that they'd burn a hole larger than the one Wormtail created to frame your godfather!"

"We nearly collapsed the house ourselves a few times."

"Yes, but we always made up after—oh! _Oh!_ "

"I take it you agree?"

"You know, I'm not sure all bits of Voldemort were removed after that _Avada_ , my scarred darling ... "

**scene ii**  
Timeline: 16/52 B.S.  
Location: Hermione’s flat  
In attendance: Daphne, Ginny, Hermione, Padma, Pansy, Susan  
Inattentive: Luna

"I don't have time for blind dates, Ginny; I'm busy enough as is."

"But ’Mione, it's been years since you've broken up with Ron. Don't you think—"

"I'm perfectly fine! I lead a fulfilling life and am perfectly content with how things are."

"We're not asking you to get married to him, Hermione ... just, it's sometimes nice to have a someone to bring to events—or just to have coffee with when you feel like it!"

"I appreciate your concern, Padma—all of you as well—but I'm really happy with how my life is right now. I have a career, hobbies I have time to pursue, charities that are making a difference—"

"Hermione should find companionship with a married man."

"Luna—why would—that's not proper—"

"She can fulfill her physical needs and not be worried about spending extra time in a relationship she doesn't want."

"But ... while most Bonds don't specify consequences for infidelity, it's an unspoken agreement ... I doubt Hermione would want to be involved with a man who is willing to cheat on his wife ... "

"And what about true love, Luna?"

"All love is true; otherwise, it wouldn't be called love."

"So ... you would be all right if Dean had an affair with another woman?"

"Oh, he does all the time. He is constantly in love with the models he paints. They get caught up in the moment. Then, they go back to their real lives."

"That's just ... how can you stand it when he moons over another woman?"

"He's mooned over other men, too. Sexual attraction and love aren't very different from friendship, you know; people find common ground and enjoy spending time together and finding happiness. Love is the greatest force. It needs to be shared. Locked away and guarded jealously, it becomes tainted and diminishes. There would be less conflict in the world if everyone loved everyone equally."

The girls were too stunned to offer a counter-argument. Luna did not seem at all perturbed by their silence. She began humming softly, focussed on sealing the wedding invitations and preparing them for delivery by owl. Padma cleared her throat and asked if anyone wanted any refreshments. She was greeted by a startlingly overzealous chorus of affirmatives as the girls scrambled to offer to help each other acquire one from the side table.

**scene iii **  
Timeline: 1/52 B.S.  
Location: drawing room of Exbury Hall  
In attendance: Daphne, Ginny, Padma, Pansy, Susan 

“You ladies are probably wondering why I owl’d a meeting today. I didn’t want to specify, in case the message is accidentally discovered by Hermione. Good thing she’s never available on Wednesdays.”

“She _is_ a creature of routine. So, I take it we’re having a secret meeting to discuss Hermione, Pansy?”

“Yes. It was Harry’s idea, actually. He thinks we should matchmake Hermione and Draco.”

Susan was the first to break the surprised silence. “Brilliant!”

“I can’t believe I never considered that!”

“But it seems so obvious! They bicker like an old married couple already!”

“And that’s precisely why Harry thought they’d make a great pair, Ginny. Did you see them arguing during our reception?”

“It’s a good thing we all knew who the bride and groom were, else they’d’ve totally upstaged you, Panse!”

“But how are we going to set them up? They would never agree to a blind date. And Hermione’s weekly schedule is so booked, I don’t even know if we can squeeze this in!”

“And what about Draco? Ever since he broke up with that girl—Iris, wasn’t it?—he hardly shows his face, except for Quidditch with the boys, and whenever he does make an appearance at an event, he has Astoria in tow.”

“Tori is just for show. So he doesn’t have to be without a date. And it’s because the two of them are being such recluses that we should definitely pull them together, get them out of their routines.”

“So, what do we do?”

“First off, we’ll need to plant the idea into their heads that the other is an attractive candidate for consideration. Next, we’ll simply have to manipulate them into wanting to go on a date with each other. If things go accordingly, they’ll be attending the Hogwarts annual fundraiser together. Now, Draco’s schedule will be easy to clear up, and I’ve got Harry to help explain to Hermione’s parents why she won’t be available every Wednesday evening to have dinner with them. I’m sure they’ll understand. As for the third part of the plan, and this is crucial … ”

**scene iv**  
Timeline: 1/52 B.S.  
Location: Fortescue’s, Diagon Alley  
In attendance: Astoria, Hermione, Pansy

“Hermione, I flew on an airplane for the first time last week when I was asked to mediate for the South American community. I don’t know how Muggles can stand it! It took forever to get to the gate, I had to make two transfers and waited three hours between, and it was so crowded inside the planes. I will _never_ complain about the nausea I feel after Portkeying and Flooing.”

“Unfortunately, Muggles don’t have many choices when it comes to travelling long distances. There’s a fictional concept called teleportation that is similar in idea to Apparition, but no one has so far found the means to make it a practical tool.”

“Oh, I’ve heard of it—they use it a lot in those SciFi movies. But you’d think, given what advancements they’ve made in technology—they’ve gone to the moon!—they could find more efficient means of transport. I looked an absolute fright when I got to Peru. Thankfully, they warned me about security measures, and I shrank my wand. I was in and out of the public loo in a jiffy—you should’ve seen the death stares I received from some of the women!”

“I can imagine. They must think you’re some sort of fashion model. Did you get a chance to do some sight-seeing while you were there?”

“Of course! How could I possibly pass up the opportunity? I even beat my colleagues up the mountain—the wizards there have adopted mountain-climbing as a sport, although they do cheat a bit with magic to ensure no one falls to his death, for one. They were quite disgruntled to be beaten by a ‘mere slip of a girl’.”

“Well, Tori, your delicate looks _do_ rather make most people underestimate you. Which is why, I suppose, you’ve been so successful at your job.”

“Men are just too predictable, wizards and Muggles alike. I’m finding that there really are very few differences between us and them.”

“You know, Tori, I’m beginning to truly understand why Draco likes asking you to be his date on those rare occasions that he deigns to grace functions with his presence. You remind me a lot of his last girlfriend, Iris. Just as strong-minded behind that unassuming face. I still don’t know why they parted ways. And I haven’t seen her anywhere since.”

“Well, Panse, I never got the chance to really know her. Draco seemed quite anxious to spend most of his time alone with her. I do know that she’s the reason he hasn’t found another girlfriend.”

“I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her either, for the same reason you mentioned, but I liked her. She could handle him. I was worried after he and I split that he’d have a hard time finding someone—we may be more like brother and sister, but we’d been together for so long that I was afraid he’d shut himself off completely. I did send him away on that vacation, and I suppose he was able to let go and come back ready to carry on with life. I’m sorry that things didn’t work for them.”

“Oh, well, we’re not privy to what happened between them, so we can only speculate, Panse.”

“He hasn’t told you anything about why they broke up?”

“No. But then again, we aren’t exactly in that type of relationship.”

“That’s only because you don’t _want_ to be in that type of relationship, Tori. You’re the only one I know who is adamant about not wanting a permanent companion of any sort in your life.”

“Hermione seems happy enough.”

“That’s because she’s married to her work.”

“She’s happy with how her life is. Just like I am. Women need to be more like us and less like the Lavender Browns of the world, always desperate to hook up with any man who so much as gives her a second glance—and that’s usually because they are appalled at the way she dresses—and can’t understand the freedom of being one’s own company. I can do whatever I like, whenever I want.”

“Having so many attractive men to bed isn’t all that bad either, I suppose.”

“There _are_ advantages to being single, you see? I have someone to cater to all my survival needs without the mess of emotional entanglement. And should you wonder about the issue of children, I can tell you now that I don’t plan on having any—Daphne can breed for both of us. I will just be that funny aunt that gives extravagant gifts and plays with them on occasion.”

“What about you, Hermione? Will you be the aunt that upsets the parents by spoiling the children?”

“I will, even when I have children of my own.”

“Oh, so you’re not a lost cause like Tori! You know, most of our circle is pairing up, so if you were planning on snagging the remaining ones, you’d better claim him fast. Or perhaps you already have an eye on one of them? You know, you and Draco would be a good match. You can handle him better than anyone I know. What do you think, Tori?”

“Oh, she’ll have him behaving so well, his mother won’t recognize him!”

“Haha! I can just _see_ the look on Lucius’ face! Now, where do you think they should go for their first date? Nothing typical, like dinner. Maybe they should go into Muggle London—wouldn’t that shock him? What sorts of things do you do on Muggle dates, Hermione?”

“Hold on! I never said I would be interested in dating him!”

“Why not? You’re single. He’s single. And if things really don’t work out, I doubt that you’d let him dump you.”

“But I—”

“C’mon, Hermione, just give him a chance! He’s really not the spoiled brat you knew in school. The war has changed him. You’ve always been one to overlook a person’s past, so it really isn’t fair to make him your only exception.”

“She’s appealing to your Gryffindor sense of decency, Hermione.”

“Yes, I can see that. Fine. I’ll think about it, Pansy. But no promises.”


	2. Act II

**scene i**  
Timeline: 4/52 B.S.  
Location: Flint residence  
In attendance: Adrian, Blaise, Cadmus, Draco, Greg, Malcolm Baddock, Malcolm Bulstrode, Marcus, Theo 

"So, Draco, how's the venerable sire doing? His leg still bothering him?"

"The wound has healed, but the Healers say he'll always have the slight limp. Dittany couldn't heal all the scarring either. Nonetheless, he's grateful to be alive. Mum's been like a Hungarian Horntail; I think it gets to him at times."

"Constantly hovering, making sure he doesn't want for anything? Yeah, I know what you mean. Mine's been buzzing about so much that Papa'd purposely unleashed Cafall to dig up her garden."

"Your mum must've been thrilled. She didn't lock him into the smelly guest bedroom again, did she?"

"No, although she threatened to banish him to Aunt Eulalie's—you know she owns all those cockatoos that drive him absolutely nutters. Poor critter refused to come out from under Papa's chair for hours. Amazing that he managed to fit under there. 'Course, make mention of the guest bedroom and you won't see hide nor hair for days."

"What's so frightening about a guest bedroom, Cadmus?"

"Oh, you wouldn't know, of course, Malcolm: Mrs. Warrington reserves that bedroom for her Aunt Beruthiel whenever she visits. The witch owns twenty-three cats that she brings with her. So, whenever Cafall misbehaves, Mrs. Warrington has him bound and muzzled and locked in there for two days as punishment."

"Wow, that's just—wow."

"At least she didn't punish your papa, Cadmus. If my father ever played such a trick, he'd have such a flea in his ear he'd be deaf."

"He wouldn't be the only one. Hey, have you boys noticed that the mums are turning into harpies in their old age?"

"YES!"

"Medusa's twat, yes!"

"Oh good, so it's not just my mum!"

"You really can't blame them. For years, our fathers upheld tradition and dominated our households as heads of the family. After many of them were imprisoned for fighting on the wrong side of the war, many of our families were left without protectors. Several of them still remain defenceless. And now, even though some of our fathers have been returned to complete their sentences as house arrest, they have suffered severe enough injuries that will likely leave them unable to fulfill their responsibilities as heads of households. So, our mothers have had to step in to either run things or groom their sons to become replacements."

An embarrassed, thoughtful silence followed Draco's speech.

"Er, Draco, not meaning to pry, but what exactly happened in Azkaban? The Ministry kept it quite hush-hush. There have been rumours, of course ... "

"Some of the guards felt that the Death Eaters they were supervising deserved nothing short of death and took matters into their own hands. My father is only one of maybe a dozen or so who managed to stay alive, though they will be crippled for life. And tiresome as it is for me to owe a life debt to yet another Gryffindor, it was Longbottom who alerted Potter and their gang to the situation. Apparently, Longbottom noticed how upset some of his students were and found out that their fathers were being tortured in prison. Well, you know the Ministry would do anything to not upset the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Defeat-The-Dark-Lord, and so they agreed to let my father and the others serve their sentences at home, under constant Auror supervision. They, of course, made sure the truth didn't get out. They are trying to remake their image as a "fair and just" Ministry, after all."

"So, now Mum's taking out her frustrations at the injustice on Dad, since she can't do so toward the Ministry."

"And it seems that all our mums, whether there's a poor, crippled husband to fend for or not, have decided that they are heads of the household."

"And that's why Draco here's been holding out for as long as possible before 'fulfilling his duties as the heir'. If his elegant mother can turn into a hideous Veela, can you imagine what's in store for him with any future wife? No offense, Draco, but the Malfoy wives have always been stronger than they let on."

"No offense taken, Marcus. And it's true. None of my forefathers were ever content to marry meek, empty-headed chits."

"Well, I'm going to make sure my wife isn't going to treat me like a whipping puppy."

"Then be sure to avoid the Pansys and girl Weasleys."

"Ha! I'm not a pushover Gryffindor."

"Too bad Daphne Greengrass went starry-eyed with that whole hero-worship thing for Longbottom. She would've made a model Slytherin wife. Unlike her sister."

"Still amazed you let your best friend marry the Boy-Wonder, Draco."

"Pansy's always had a mind of her own."

"But you dated her for years!"

"Oh, she was his decoy. He could look for the ideal wife without any of the witches being any wiser to it and throwing themselves at him. By the way, Draco, what ever happened to that Iris chick you were seeing after Pansy turned coat and started clinging to Potter?"

"She was a decoy. As is Tori."

"You really should just convince Astoria to marry you, Draco. That way, you can fulfill your duty, and she can still go gallivanting around the world, schmoozing with those diplomats and ambassadors. In a few years, when she's tired of it all, you can pop out that heir and be done with it."

"Trust me, Theo, she would never agree to such a scheme. Don't think I haven't asked her about it. She's adamant that she's going to remain a spinster like her Aunt Sophronia. Something about it being time that women proved they could lead fulfilled lives without being chained to men."

"Beats me how two sisters can be so different."

"A mystery to us all. And a warning."

"Yes, yes, we know, Theo: looks are deceiving. But there aren't enough sweet Hufflepuffs out there willing to give us poor Slytherins a chance."

"You've never even spoken to one in your life, so it's rather difficult for them to get to know just how desperate you are for their affections."

"Mrs. Bulstrode and Millicent would both have a fit if he ever brought one home."

"Well, the youngest Macnair girl is almost like a Hufflepuff, so shy and quiet."

"Slytherin's balls, Greg! You've just been a fountain of profundity of late! Who'd've thought married life would turn you into such a genius for observation!"

"Well, with Millicent and her mother doing all the talking, what can he do but sit and observe the follies of his fellow magical brethren?"

"Hey, quit picking on the big guy! He's been spending his time doing something he likes."

"He doesn't spend it nearly as well as you do, Blaise. I bet you've kissed so many lips you can tell what brand of lipstick they use, just by the colour."

"Both pairs. And yes, I can tell how they'll taste, too."

"Ha!"

"Too much information!"

"Turning into a prude on us, Theo? Your wife's morals rubbing off?"

"Sod off! Not all of us kiss and tell like the black stallion there. You'd better watch out, Blaise: one day, you're going to run out of single witches to disrobe. Then, where would you be? No reusing, you said."

"There is more than one wizarding community in the world, Theo. I highly doubt I'll run out of supply. Besides, I've already told you: my mum's gone through enough marriages to last both of us a lifetime."

"Hey, Draco, why don't you follow Blaise's example? Give him some competition."

"I—"

"Our Draco boy was trained to be a gentleman and only handle one relationship at a time. But even if he wasn't, he'd never beat me at the game. All those hormonal girls in school that he could've conquered, and he let himself be bossed about by Pansy."

"There is more fulfillment in a steady relationship than a string of brief encounters between the sheets, Blaise. For one thing: it's nice to carry on a conversation with complete sentences, not just random grunts of 'fuck' and 'do you like that, you slag?'"

"Oh, so you spent your time talking with Pansy and then Iris? And that satisfied you? Does that mean our infamous Slytherin prince has never known the touch of a woman? You still saving your virginity for your future wife, Draco?"

"Fuck off, Zabini. I haven't been a virgin for a while, and you know it."

"Well, rumour has it that Pansy was a virgin when she married Potter—much to his surprise, I bet—and Iris didn't look the type to 'put out' without some sort of guarantee on her finger ... "

"I lost my virginity to someone, all right?"

"Who else could it possibly be? Did you rob from the cradle and mutually de-cherry with Tori? Is that why you keep her around?"

"Maybe it was Daphne. It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for."

"Well, my dad brought me to a brothel when I was fifteen and paid a lady there to 'teach me the ways of the world'. He said it was tradition."

"Ha! I bet that's what ol' Lucius did! So, Draco, was that your birthday gift in Fifth? Did you enjoy—oh, wait ... um, never mind ... "

"Yes, thank you for the reminder of how I spent my fifteenth birthday with a distraught mother and absentee father, Theo. It's getting late, so if you'll all excuse me, I should go. And so should some of you. You wouldn't want to give your wives any excuse to emanate our assertive female progenitors."

 **scene ii **  
Timeline: 0  
Location: locker rooms  
In attendance: Blaise, Cormac, Draco, Greg, Harry, Ron, Theo

"Are you sure this is going to work, Potter?"

"It was Pansy's idea, not mine."

"Well, in that case ... hey, Theo, is he done talking with the field supervisor yet?"

"They're almost done with the inspection. Merlin, the way that moustached shrimp goes on, you'd think we were using the World Cup field to play on. And it looks like one of you forgot a glove. Who's the guilty party?"

"Damn, must've dropped it when I was trying to secure the last Bludger!"

"Well, Weasley, it's definitely your turn next time for inspection duty!"

"All right, he's coming in! Game on, boys!"

There was much shuffling as the men took up their pre-assigned spots. As soon as they heard the door swing open, they began their rehearsed parts ...

"Weasley, are you sure you heard right?"

"'Course, I am! I told you: I lost my appetite after Terry told me! And unlike some of the less reliable gossiping witches who like to start rumours, he's not one to say anything unless he's sure of the facts!"

"Dunno. Hanging about those girls as he does, tends to rub off."

"Well, your wife may have the tendency to do that, Cormac—doesn't mean Terry will take after her!"

"Oi! That's your sister you’re maligning, Ronald! Where's your loyalty?"

"Doesn't mean it isn't true!"

"Never mind your quarrelling, you two. Take it up during your Sunday brunches. This is serious. If I hadn't heard it from Susan as well, I wouldn't've believed it either."

"Yes, Theo, we know your wife is trustworthy. But really, it's just rather unbelievable: Granger loves Malfoy? I always thought she had better taste in men."

There was a thud, like a broomstick being dropped, but they pretended not to hear.

"You forget, Blaise, that she fancied Weasley before he finally came clean about liking blokes."

"Oi! Enough with the snide remarks, already! What are we going to do about Hermione?"

"Set them up."

"Are you insane, Harry? You saw how he treated her in school! And besides, he's forever going on about how he'll never marry!"

"Oh, he'll marry. His mother will make sure of that. He's the last of his line. His parents will disinherit him and adopt some other distant relation before they allow him to remain a bachelor. He's just afraid of commitment. Unlike Blaise, here, he's never been one to play the field; likes monogamy. Besides, he's only ever had two girlfriends—if Pansy hadn't dumped him for Potter, he'd've probably married her after he broke things off with what's-her-face ... Rose? Lily?"

"It was Iris, Nott."

"Whatever. Flower name. Clearly a rebound from Panse."

"So, he's not seeing anyone right now? What about that blonde that he's been seen with?"

"Astoria? She's just a front. Someone to ward off the gold-diggers. Tori's as interested in marriage as Blaise, here, and that's why she's the perfect cover." 

"I think she would be a good match for Draco. She's smart like him. He won't get bored."

"Greg, ol' boy. You never cease to amaze me with your astute observations."

"No offense, Goyle, but I never thought you saw her as anything more than a silly Mudblood."

"Really, Weasley, you have the sensitivity of a Bludger! _We've all changed_. The war opened our eyes. You think we'd be playing Quidditch with you every week otherwise?"

"I agree with Goyle: they'd make a good match. What may start off as constant bickering can turn into a very fulfilling relationship for both."

"Well, you would know, wouldn't you, Harry?"

"At least my wife and I are in on even footing in our relationship. Unlike yours, Cormac."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Harry. I simply allow Ginny to take care of the little details of our daily lives because it makes her happy. When it comes to the big things—"

"Like whether to move to a house closer to your parents or mine? You clearly made the decision about that, Cormac. You may as well have just shacked up in Ginny's room!"

"At least I don't cry for 'Mum' every time my 'wife' kicks me out of the bedroom for oafish behaviour, Ronald—"

"Shhh! Quit it, mates! Did any of you hear the door? Draco should be done with ol' Shrimpy by now. Can't have him overhearing—"

And as if on cue, they heard the door slam and footsteps approaching. Draco dropped off his gear. "Are you boys still here? That game left me quite knackered; sure hope we can be back to full teams next week. In any case, not sure if I can join you for drinks. I'm going to clean up. You go on ahead; I'll come if the shower revives me. By the way, who dropped the glove? Whoever it was, you're on shrimp duty next week."

Draco grabbed his supplies and headed for the showers. He never did make it to the pub.

 **scene iii**  
Timeline: 0  
Location: conference room, Ministry of Magic  
In attendance: Daphne, Ginny, Hermione, Millicent, Padma, Pansy, Parvati, Susan 

"And I was thinking, for the colour scheme this year, we should use the Gryffindor colours, to celebrate Professor McGonagall's upcoming 80th birthday. We should also make mention of that in the invitations, so as not to offend people from the other Houses ... Are you girls even paying attention? We've got to send out the invitations in two weeks, and there's still so much to be done for the event, and yet, here you are passing notes to each other? We're planning the Hogwarts annual fundraiser, yes, but that's not an excuse to revert to silly schoolgirl behaviour! _Accio_ parchment!" Hermione tucked the folded piece of parchment into the pocket of her robes. "Now that I have your undivided attention, let's continue. Where was I? Oh yes, McGonagall's birthday. We really should make it a surprise—you know how she is about unwanted attention—so, I was thinking that we'll need ... "

The meeting went on for another two gruelling hours before Hermione let them go. The witches said their good-byes to her, each making mention about needing to perform various chores before all Apparating to a checkpoint and then gathering for a Side-Along that landed them in the Parkinson-Potter sitting room.

"Do you think she'll read the parchment?"

"Of course she will! Curiosity is Hermione's middle name!"

"Well, if you girls were in any doubt, I put a trace on the parchment so that I'd know when she reads ... oh, she's reading it now!"

"Brilliant, Padma! Oh, it's too bad we can't be there to see the look on her face!"

" _`Draco's been pining after her for a year now. Why do you think he's still single after breaking up with Iris?’_ Hahaha! Stroke of genius, Pansy!"

"Thanks! There are advantages to having been friends with him since forever!"

"And you're sure that the boys convinced Draco about Hermione's affections?"

"Of course! Harry said that they all read their lines beautifully!"

"And Theo said he distinctly heard Draco drop his broom when Blaise announced that she was in love with him."

A chorus of giggling greeted that piece of news.

"I think this is the push that they need. I caught them sneaking glances at each other again the other day. Pity they never made eye contact. Then again, the amount of heat from that would probably have singed my robes!"

"Or that fiery mane of yours, Ginny!"

"More likely Hermione's hair than Ginny's, just due to proximity!"

"You know, I think Ginny's right that there has to be some attraction under all that bickering between them. Even though they fight like they used to at Hogwarts, I've never seen them raise their wands once!"

"Well, if Pansy and Harry are any indication, maybe fighting is the spice that keeps their relationship interesting."

"You're just jealous of all the fun I have making up with him afterwards."

"Please Pansy, don't remind me! You two may have taken the snog session into the hallway the other day, but it was enough to make Theo and me nauseous, all the noise you were making!"

"Harry is a good kisser, so you can't blame Pansy for provoking him into kissing her senseless."

"Your big, beefy husband can't be bad at it, either, Ginny. Given your current condition."

"Haha, indeed! You need to get a move on if you want to match your mum's record, Ginny. Married three years and this is only your first child?"

"My mum stopped working after she had Bill. I have a budding career, as does Cormac. If it wasn't for a poorly-cast Contraception Charm, we wouldn't even be having this little sprog for at least another two years."

"Well, it's pacified your mum, at least. Thanks for taking her attention away from Harry and me. I mean, we've only been married half a year! We haven't even completely established our routines yet!"

"Too busy shagging, Pansy?"

"Slytherins never kiss and tell."

"No, they brag, instead."

"Speaking of which, is Draco a good kisser, Pansy? Undeniable as their chemistry is, if he can't deliver in that department, we're going to end up with a Ron situation. Of course, we didn't know _back then_ why he was so lack-lustre, but it's got to have affected her perceptions of any potential boyfriend."

"He's an excellent kisser. While Harry has all the passion and earnestness, Draco's kisses are complete conversations."

"Lucky Hermione!"

"Hey, there has to be some compensation for having to put up with the prickly personality that goes with it!"

"Good thing you said it, Pansy. I wouldn't want to be accused of prejudice."

"Trust me, he's like an annoying brother: I love him, but I don't always like him. Ginny can relate, I'm sure."

"Goodness, yes. Even Arwen's endless patience would be put severely to the test. Especially with Percy."

"Well girls, shall we have some tea and scones and decide what the next steps should be to make sure our Setup is a success?"

 **scene iv**  
Timeline: 2/52 P.S.  
Location: Nott residence  
In attendance: Ginny, Hermione, Luna, Pansy, Susan

“We’re moving in together.”

“Oh, Luna, that’s wonderful! So, have you set a date for the wedding?”

“Why? We’re not getting married.” 

“But—you’re moving in together, and it’s clear that Dean’s your choice of partner-in-life, so i just assumed—”

“If we got married, then we’d be expected to act like everyone else. We don’t like hosting dinner parties and celebrating birthdays. And no one would understand our romances—they’d accuse us of having extra-marital affairs.”

Ever the peacekeeper, Susan detracted from the awkward silence and suggested that they take their fundraiser work out into the garden. While the girls settled into the pavilion, she brought out refreshments.

“So, Susan, your anniversary is coming up. Any plans?”

“Theo was hoping I could take a few extra days so that we can take a short trip, but we’re short-staffed at present. Once Healer Webster is back and things back to normal—comparatively normal—I’ll take some time. Meanwhile, we’ll just have a quiet dinner.”

“I still can’t believe you two have been married for five years. And to think that it started with Theo’s reluctance to be treated for those ‘bouts of nothing’, as he insisted they were.”

“PTSD is a very real problem, although many patients deny it. All Healers were told to be on alert for its symptoms. The last time there was a small epidemic of it was after Dumbledore defeated Grindelwald.”

“He hasn’t had those nightmares since, has he?”

“No. He’s actually been sleeping peacefully through the night for some time now. I put up sensory spells to detect his sleeping patterns the evenings when I’m on duty at St. Mungo’s.”

“I think it’s very cute that he showed up for an ‘unexpected’ follow up appointment with flowers.”

“Yes! Who’d’ve guessed that the quiet exterior hid such a romantic.”

“It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?”

“First pair to fulfill Dumbledore’s wish for interhouse unity.”

“And it seems to have rubbed off on several others of our circle.”

“Indeed! And to think that Neville and Daphne were the next ones!”

“Killing the snake definitely helped raise his self-esteem.”

“I always thought that Gryffindor bravery was foolhardiness, but seeing as I ended up marrying the most foolhardy of them all … ”

“That make you the Queen of Fools, Pansy?”

“Hey! Hermione and I rather resemble that remark! Well, I do, for sure. You may have married the King of Fools, Pansy, but I married the King of Prats.”

“I rather think you’ve successfully turned him into the King of Meek, Ginny.”

“Well, girls, I think I certainly qualify as a member of the House of Fools, along with Ginny. Malfoy asked me out on a date, and I’ve accepted.”

Hermione couldn’t help but giggle at the gobsmacked expressions that greeted her announcement. The others soon joined in and topped it with a generous helping of squeal. Bombarded with questions she couldn’t or chose not to answer, she would only tell them that he’d asked her out for dinner and would be picking her up at seven on Friday. After much wheedling, Hermione also gave in and allowed the girls to drop by her flat to help her dress for the date.


	3. Act III

**scene i**  
Timeline: 2/52 P.S.  
Location: _Lumiere_ restaurant  
In attendance: Hermione and Draco

The _maitre d’_ showed them to a quiet table in one of the more secluded corners of the restaurant. The first several minutes were occupied by the ordering of drinks and starters. An awkward silence ensued.

“So, Malfoy … I hear you beat Harry to the snitch last Friday.”

“Shocking, isn’t it? Is the injured lion still licking his wounds and sulking?”

“ _No_. Harry is not a sore loser, like some.”

“Indeed. I beat the Weasel King in a game of chess, and he wouldn’t even say ‘Hello’ for two weeks.”

“Will you stop calling him that—” The arrival of their appetizers froze the conversation. Hermione managed a tight-smiled “Thank you” before performing a rough introduction of her fork to her plate. Draco wisely followed suit, though with a much more genteel approach. His mother had instilled good manners.

“I must concede, after watching them together, that Pansy and Potter do make a good fit. Who could’ve guessed that her swallowing her pride and apologizing to Potter after he defeated Voldemort,” Draco ignored the startled gasps and clattering cutlery around him, “would yield such results. Really, it has been seven years since the Battle of Hogwarts. One would _hope_ that saying the name would not induce widespread panic.”

“Perhaps they are just surprised to hear you say the name so nonchalantly. Very few—”

“If the term ‘Death Eater’ is said or inferred, I will have to insist that this dinner be prematurely terminated … ”

“I _was_ going to say, before your very rude interruption, that very few people can say the name without stuttering, so I was about to suggest that they may have been surprised by your show of courage.”

“Don’t make me into some sort of brawny Gryffindor, Granger. It clashes with my complexion.”

“I was trying to compliment you, you slimy worm, so—”

“Pardon me, sir, madam, but I trust the food is to your satisfaction? Could I help refill your glasses?”

After their server moved away, Hermione and Draco silently assented to changing the topic of discussion.

“I hear Susan and Theo are thinking about starting a family.”

“Oh? Perhaps that was the reason Theo was reviewing his family tree the other day. I think he was trying to find the least objectionable names among his dead ancestors.”

“Are the names really that horrible?”

“Would you name your youngest son Epimetheus simply because he was an unplanned fifth child? Or your daughter Invidia because she looked like your hag of a mother-in-law? I didn’t think so.”

“Must the children be named after departed family members? Couldn’t they choose a first name that they both liked and use the the ancestor’s name as a middle one?”

“That was their plan in any case, but finding a decent name to pair with the ones they were planning is not easy.”

“Well, when I have children, I’ll not name them after anyone in the family.”

“And you’re sure your husband will be agreeable? Most wizarding families follow the tradition of having namesakes, even the less traditional ones. Look at Weasel’s—fine, _Weasley’s_ family.”

“I have, which is why I don’t want to follow that tradition. Do you know that the Chinese think it’s bad luck to name children after family members? They believe that it brings either misfortune to the original owner of the name or the namesake or both. Chinese names are commonly composed of two parts, and while people of the same generation are allowed to share one of the names, their second has to be unique to the individual.”

“Are you planning on having half-Chinese children, Granger? Because I really don’t see you adjusting very easily to riding dragons on a regular basis as a means of getting about.”

“There are other means of transportation in China, you know. And what makes you think I’d be living there? If I were to theoretically marry a Chinese wizard, he’d be born and bred here!”

“Your entrees, sir, madam. I hope you enjoy. It is a remarkably clear night this evening. Perhaps you would consider adding an after-dinner stroll to your evening plans? It would be such a waste of the moonlight to not allow it to romance you.”

Draco raised a haughty eyebrow at the man’s brazen attitude, but their server merely smiled and walked away. Hermione seemed a bit embarrassed as she noticed other patrons hastily avoid eye contact when she looked around for the sources of the escaped giggles and chortles. The next several minutes were spent quietly becoming acquainted with their respective sacrificed animal offerings, arranged quite attractively on their plates and accompanied by an array of colourful, textural partners of the botanical persuasion. 

“Is your entree to your liking?”

“Quite. _Lumiere_ has always prided itself on being able to add a certain _je ne sais quoi_ to their dishes.”

“Well, if I hadn’t read the description in the menu, I’d certainly think that this was a ‘mystery’ meat that I’m eating.” 

“Is something wrong with it?”

“Oh no. I just like to be able to taste the original flavour of the meat. It’s a bit overwhelmed by the sauce. Added flavours should bring out the taste of the meat, not replace it.”

“But then, there would be fewer combinations and creative ways of pairing food if you only focussed on keeping original flavours and making sure they matched.”

“But why serve an exotic food item at all if I can’t even figure out what it’s supposed to taste like?”

“Why eat in a restaurant if you prefer hunting down your prey and cooking it on a spit in its own juices to retain all its original flavour?”

“ _You_ chose the restaurant.”

“And _you_ made no objection.”

“I was being polite. Anyway, you come from a class where the men are used to throwing their weight about and deciding everything.”

“I distinctly recall that you were the one throwing in all your weight when you slapped me all those years ago.”

“You deserved it. You were a snotty little git who needed—”

“Excuse me, sir, madam. Pardon my interruption. Chef has just informed me that we have run out of both of your desserts and was wondering if he could suggest a shared chocolate fondue? Your choice of fruits, of course.”

“Fine, fine. Whatever his black, Slytherin heart desires. I know of only one vineyard in all the world that feeds Alihotsy to Fwoopers to raise their voices to such a pitch they drive away all manner of animal pests and insects that may try to feed off the grapes. And twice a year, those Fwoopers retired from service are usually served as a special dish served with blueberry sauce because the Alihotsy causes the bird to take on a more gamier texture of meat. I was quite astonished to see that on tonight’s menu. So, tell your ‘chef’ Zabini that we’ll eat the fondue, but if there’s even a trace of contamination not to my liking, he can forget about using the villa on Mykonos ever again for his amourous get-aways. 

“And as for the rest of you, I distinctly remember that the _maitre d’_ , whom I’ve known since I was old enough to sit at the table with my parents, has a very distinctive Welsh and not _Scottish_ accent. And whether Polyjuiced or Disillusioned, I can sense a conspiracy among the patrons at the table—too much eye-catching across the room. This all wreaks of Pansy-plotting and Potter-spying. So, if the lot of you don’t mind buggering off and returning the _regular_ staff to their positions, Granger and I would like to spend the remainder of the evening enjoying ourselves as we choose, even if it means bickering until we’re blue in the face!”

 **scene ii**  
Timeline: 3/52 P.S.  
Location: Finch-Fletchley residence  
In attendance: The Hogwarts annual fundraiser committee

"... she said he let out the most girlish scream she'd ever heard!"

"Oh my, that's hilarious! But what prompted her to play such a prank on Marcus, Pansy?"

"Apparently, the boys were having their usual 'Slytherin Club' get-together. They must've had a bit too much firewhisky because they started comparing cup sizes of their various wives, girlfriends, shag-bunnies, what have you. And they all agreed that Greg was the luckiest. You've seen Millicent: she _is_ rather busty. Well, unfortunately for Marcus, Pamela overheard them. So, she told Millicent and got the go-ahead to Polyjuice as her the following night. They went shopping that afternoon to find the skimpiest lingerie they could find in Millie's size. Poor Marcus: it's been two weeks and still he can't look Millie in the eye!"

"Marcus doesn't strike me as one who is particularly averse to voluptuous women. I mean, while his wife is not as ... curvaceous as Millicent, she's not exactly a stick either!"

"Oh no, it's not that! Millie's his first cousin!"

 **scene iii**  
Timeline: 3/52 P.S.  
Location: out and about Diagon Alley  
In attendance: The Hogwarts annual fundraiser committee

“So, Hermione, where did Draco take you on your date last night?”

“Oh, we went to Stratford-upon-Avon and watched a play by Shakespeare.”

“Who’s Shakespeare?”

“The most famous Muggle playwright in the world, Pansy.”

“He brought you to see a Muggle play? I’m so disappointed. He and I will need a little talk. Soon.”

“Oh, you don’t understand! It was the most amazing experience! The production manager is a wizard who’s managed to adapt a Muggle technology called a hologram to project a memory created by his ancestor, who saw the very first performance of the play. You know that you usually have to go into a Pensieve to view memories, but with this technique, you can sit in the theatre and watch the performance as if it were being acted on stage.”

“And what play did you see, Hermione?”

“ _A Winter’s Tale_.”

“So, all in all, a good date, ’Mione?”

“A great one. Although I think it may be topped by the one he’s planning on next week. He’s taking me to Epidaurus to see Euripides’ _Medea_. He wouldn’t tell me anything else, but I’ve read that the tragedy is performed by the ghosts of various actors through the history of its productions.”

 **scene iv**  
Timeline: 4/52 P.S.  
Location: Exbury Hall  
In attendance: Pansy and Harry

“Panse, we’re doing the right thing, aren’t we—setting up Malfoy and Hermione?”

“Of _course_ we are! Are you having cold feet about this plan? Need I remind you that _you_ were the one to suggest it?”

“I know, but … I just don’t want her to get hurt again.”

“Hermione is more than capable of handling Draco. You’ll see. She’ll have him trussed up right and tight like a Christmas goose, like Cormac. Tighter, in fact. Unlike Ginny, Hermione can control her temper and use her anger to wreak havoc.”

“I’m not worried about that. She’s got _you_ afraid of her a little, doesn’t she? It’s just … she’s too honest about her feelings, doesn’t know how to hold back. If anything were to happen between them … I don’t ever want to see her crying and asking if her being a bad girlfriend was the reason Ron got turned off women.”

“Did that buggering King of Rodents tell her that? I’ll skin him!”

“No, no. He—well, you know Ron isn’t very tactful. He and Hermione were going through a bit of a rough patch, and we were having dinner together, just the three of us, and he just sort of blurted to us both that he was gay.”

“That naused nancy! I always knew he was short a few brain connections. Most boys find out during their school years … if it took him _that_ long … and she thought _she_ turned him—?! I don’t know who to be more disgusted with!”

“Hermione did ask him about that, and he said he just wanted to be one of the boys … ”

“Unbelievable! I don’t—do you have any dark little secrets you’ve never told me, Harry James Potter? Because now would be a good time to let it all out.”

“What? No, of course not! My relationship with Ginny wasn’t fake! You can ask her!”

“You and the Supreme Ginger Rat were inseparable in school … we did wonder, you know.”

“ _He’s my best friend!_ We’ve _only_ ever been friends! In case you’ve forgotten, most of my school life was interrupted by the constant threat of _Voldemort_ breathing down my neck. Really, My Petal, it’s been seven years since I defeated him. You really need to stop fearing the name. Come here, let me kiss it better.”

 **scene v**  
Timeline: 4/52 P.S.  
Location: The Cat and the Fiddle Pub, Diagon Alley  
In attendance: Terry, Susan, Parvati, Pansy, Padma, Millicent, Hermione, Ginny, Daphne, and their respective partners

"Terry, why do you let Ron act like a chauvinist pig to you?" Hermione couldn't help but ask—it was a question she'd been dying to ask for the past month. Being Muggle-born, she'd had the misfortune of straddling both worlds. She was raised by a feminist mother who instilled a strong belief in her about equal opportunities for men and women, and her father had been forced to resign himself to having an only child and daughter; he'd finally been won over by her curiosity and unceasing questions about everything, especially scientific and engineering-type queries. But having spent her teenage years in the conservative wizarding world, she had missed out on the liberal education she would otherwise have had. Hence, it had taken her much longer to accept her cousin Portia's homosexuality than her parents. Porsche, as she preferred to be called, was closest to her in age, and what with both their mothers saddling them with unusual names that garnered much unwanted teasing from first family and then schoolmates and friends, they had always considered themselves sisters more than cousins. Perhaps in an attempt to appease her cousin, Porsche had allowed Hermione to ask very personal questions about her sexuality. As a result, her cousin had been avoiding Hermione for the past three months.

"Oh, Ron isn't always like this. In fact, he's usually very sweet and considerate. But it makes him happy to 'be the man' and make decisions like that. You have to remember that he's always been overshadowed by all his brothers. And when he's asserting his masculinity, it has the added bonus of appeasing Molly and annoying my dad. Besides, I have two of the most effective ways of getting him to do what I want when it matters to me: no sex and tears."

The girls all laughed, some rather self-consciously.

"Oh, come now, girls. I won't believe for one second that none of you haven't used at least one of those weapons to your advantage on occasion. Men are so easily manipulated."

"You've got a point there, Terry. Still, you should be careful how you stroke that ego of his. Ron's pig-headed enough as is. Don't want him to become more of a pig—he might sprout a tail."

"Well, Ginny, if I run into trouble, I'll be sure to come to you for help. You've trained that husband of yours quite well, I must say."

"Oh my goodness, yes! He's like a whipped puppy around her. I never thought I'd see the day when the great big-headed Cormac would submit to his 'little woman'."

"It's like Terry just said, Pansy: no sex and tears."

"And don't forget: a temper like Molly's." 

The girls laughed again.

 **scene vi**  
Timeline: 6/52 P.S.   
Location: The Burrow  
In attendance: Terry, Ron, Pansy, Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Cormac, the rest of the Weasley clan

"Poor sod, I almost feel sorry for him."

"I have to say: she's gotten a lot more volatile lately."

"Well, Harry, if you had to carry around all that extra weight, you'd be cranky, too!"

"Ha, good one, ’Mione: her temper has increased with her expanding waistline!"

"Ron! That's not what I meant!"

"Maybe, but that's what I meant!"

"You know, Ron, I was wrong when I said you had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon; you've got the _sensitivity_ of one!"

"What have you done now to rile our dear Hermione, Weasel King?"

"Ron's laughing at Cormac's pain, Pansy."

"Well, he _does_ look like a dog with its tail between its legs right now. What did he do?"

"Coddle Ginny."

"When will they ever learn that pregnancy does not equate to incapacity?"

"Probably never. Terry, I think it's time for you to go and mediate. You know you're the only one in the family who can calm her down."

"Aren't you all so glad I married him?"

"You seem to be under some delusion that Ginny's the only one who can perform a perfect Bat-Bogey Hex, Ronald Bilius Weasley ... "


	4. Act IV

**scene i**  
Timeline: 9/52 P.S.  
Location: dining room, Exbury Hall  
In attendance: Theo, Seamus, Ron, Neville, Marcus, Harry, Justin, Greg, George, Fred, Ernie, Dean, Cormac, Blaise, Anthony, Adrian 

"Good dinner, Potter. Thanks for the invite. And happy birthday."

"Yeah, thanks, Potter!"

"Thanks, Harry!"

"Thanks for coming. Cheers!"

"I'd like to propose a toast: to many more successful, well-planned, perfectly hosted parties at the Potter household. May Potter always count his blessings for having married such a splendid wife to attend to the bothersome aspects of his life that comes with being the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Defeat-The-Noseless-Dark-Lord."

"Only you, Malfoy, could come up with such a toast."

"Is that a hint of envy, Draco? Perhaps you would like to have a capable wife to manage your affairs?"

"I have no intention of marrying in the future."

"What about that heir to the family name? Surely you wouldn't want to be remembered as the last of your line."

"Believe me, I won't be. Don't you worry your pretty ginger head, Weasley ... er, the Sixth."

"You must be affected by the euphoria surrounding my house, Malfoy. What ever happened to calling Ron 'Weasel King'?"

"Yeah, Malfoy. You needn't fear you'll lose that discount to our joke shop. In fact, we'll give you an extra 10% off if you sing 'Weasley is our King' every time you make a purchase."

"And just to clarify: the original version of 'Weasley is our King'."

"Oi! You wankers! I'm your brother!"

"Oh Ronnie, did we hurt your pretty ginger feelings? Our sincere apologies. We'll tattoo another Pygmy Puff to your other ass-cheek, free of charge."

"And we'll make sure Terry's there to kiss it all better. You've never been very good with pain."

"One more remark out of either of you and I'm telling Angelina and Katie what really happened to blow off the roof of the joke shop and offend the goblins when it crashed into Gringotts."

"You wouldn't—"

"He's pulling a Hermione on us, Fred!"

"Well, Weasel twins, it seems your little brother has finally grown a pair, now that he's got Boot sucking him off. Ow! What the fuck was that for, Weasley? I just defended you!"

"And slandered Terry. I won't have you insulting him—"

"Easy, Ron. You know Malfoy's always needed his mouth cleaned. Just put away your wand. Please. You don't want to upset Terry and the girls when they come back and see us fighting."

"Fine, but if he—"

"Calm yourself, Weasley King. You're too easily ruffled. I'd much rather spar with Granger. At least she comes up with some witty repartee before needing to draw her wand to hex me into oblivion."

"You know, Malfoy, if you enjoy matching wits with Granger that often, you should consider making things official and calling her your girlfriend. Then, you'd have a permanent partner to— how did you put it?—have meaningful conversations with? And to bonk until you can’t stand straight."

"Yes, and maybe the rest of us can then have dinner parties in peace. The tension they create: you could cut it with Gryffindor's sword!"

"Indeed. And in time, he could join the ranks of domineered husbands, like Potter, McLaggen, the Siamese Weasleys, Finch-Fletchley, and Macmillan here."

"Oi!"

"My wife does not call the shots, I do!"

"Say that again, Zabini—"

"You're forgetting Flint and Goyle over there, you sodding wanker!"

"I'll have you know that my wife and I share power equally in our marriage!"

"You're one to judge! I hear you like being bound to the bed and dominated by the women you bring to bed!"

"I freely admit that the occasional bondage and role-playing does indeed add variety to my sex life. You'll be pleased to know that I taught your wife some of those tricks, Macmillan. You should thank me."

"She—You—"

"He's winding you up, Ernie. If she even so much as shared saliva with Zabini, Lavender would have spread the news throughout our common room."

"Who says I taught her while we were in school?"

"Stop it, Zabini."

"It's Potter’s birthday today. If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be able to be together like this, sipping wine and trading insults. Let's just at least try to be civil with the remarks."

"Thank you, Goyle. I always assumed that you were bossed around by Malfoy in school, but now I see that you were there to keep him in check. Can I refill anyone's glass?"

An unspoken truce was agreed upon as they savoured their drinks. But as was always the case when a sounder gathered, the silence never lasted.

"You know, Blaise did bring up a good point just now. There are a disproportional number of hen-pecked husbands in this group. I mean, I see only two who can claim they wear the pants. Well, technically three—Boot seems quite the submissive. Would never have pegged you the 'man', Weasley, but, well, there you have it."

"Who are the other two, Adrian? If you even think to include yourself as one, I have news for you. She may not be your wife yet, but I can guarantee you'll be part of the group that submits."

"Have I ever denied it? I've always known that if I were to find a wealthy one willing to marry me, I'd have to be the ‘wife’. In any case, I was referring to Theo and Longbottom."

"Longbottom, without question. If I have to hear Daphne start another sentence with 'Neville says', I think I’d have to puke. But I'm not sure about Theo's claim."

"I'll have you know that Susan and I have never had any arguments about what our roles are in our marriage. I'm the head of the household."

"I dunno, Nott, it's always the quiet ones that take you by surprise."

"Susan's not as meek and submissive as you may think, Nott. She and I were in the same House. She wasn't bossy like the other girls, I'll grant that. But she always knew her own mind."

"I never said she was meek. I'm just saying she knows and obeys the rules of being a proper wife."

"Prove it."

"I don't have to prove anything to you, but just to shut you up, I'll give a small demonstration. Maybe you can learn a trick or two and not let your wife ride rough-shod over you. Susan! Susan!"

"Yes, Theo? I'm helping Pansy with dessert—"

"My shoulder's sore. Will you come and rub it for me? Dessert can wait."

"There’s a room full of your friends here, any one whom I'm sure would be glad to do that for you. I'm busy helping the girls, so—"

"You're my wife! It's your job to make sure I'm comfortable!"

"Theodore Rufus Demetrius Nott! I can't believe you just said that! It's my 'job', is it? I am not a house-elf, at your beck and call. I never thought, when I married you, that you shared your father's misogynistic ideals, but I guess that's what happens when there is no mother to properly see you to manhood. If that is how you truly see me, then perhaps it would be best if you spent some time in the guest room. Or better yet, perhaps a visit to your attorney's office would bring some clarity. Now, if you will excuse me, I'm needed in the other room!"

A gobsmacked Theodore stared at her retreating back.

"Boy, you sure showed her who's boss, Nott!"

"Yeah, way to prove you're not hen-pecked!"

Unfortunately, Susan was not as out of earshot as assumed. She stormed back in and glared at them all. "So, that's what's been going on? All of you had nothing better to discuss than who calls the shots and what roles we women should play in your lives? Let me tell you that all of you would be much worse off if we weren't in them. But it's clear that not only are you not grateful for that fact, you resent that we've made it as comfortable as it is! Well, then, perhaps you'd like to take charge of the groceries, cook your meals, do laundry, dust, sweep and mop the floors, make sure the bills are paid on time, iron your clothes, change your bed linens, have a new bottle of cologne ready ... or, for those of you who have them, ensuring that the house-elves execute those chores for you. And let's not forget that we're the ones who are there to soothe your wounded feelings, tend to those aches and scrapes from Quidditch games, and ensure your cocks are all in proper working order! But perhaps I'm not the best person to convince you of our importance in your miserable lives, seeing as I'm somehow the quiet, submissive one. I'm going back and getting Hermione to tell you what a bunch of needle knobs you are!" Susan stormed off.

Some, like Nott, had begun to cower under Susan's tirade of angry words. At the mention of Hermione, a few quite literally felt their testicles shrinking into their bodies at the threat. Several began looking pleadingly at Harry—others at Draco—to get them out of this pickle. 

To the surprise of several, Neville calmly stood up and proposed, "Quidditch. Cormac's backyard is biggest. I'll go tell Terry to smooth things over with the girls and send an owl when it's safe to return."

Not even the Great Hall of Hogwarts during the troll attack had cleared out faster than the Potter dining room.

 **scene ii**  
Timeline: 11/52 P.S.  
Location: Cerridwen’s Cafe, Diagon Alley  
In attendance: Pansy and Hermione

"I hear that you were invited to a very fancy wedding reception last weekend, Pansy."

"Very over-the-top. Garish, too. But they claim to have descended from the magical advisor in the court of Catherine the Great, a Baron Karenin."

"So, Adrian finally found the rich heiress. What's his wife's name?"

"Anna. What's so funny, Hermione?"

"So, Adrian's wife's maiden name is Anna Karenina? Oh, it's just that there's a very famous Muggle book by that name, written by a very famous Russian novelist. I don't know enough about Russian history, Muggle or magic, to dispute her claim, but Adrian may be wise to thoroughly research her background to make sure that she truly is descended from Russian nobility."

 **scene iii**  
Timeline: 11/52 P.S.  
Location: fireplace, Draco’s flat  
In attendance: Draco and Blaise

“Hey, Draco, did you get Marcus’ owl about his place not being available for our moot? Trying to find out if Adrian can accommodate.”

“Yeah, got the owl. Afraid I can’t join you boys. Convinced Granger to take an extended weekend.”

“Ah. Where to this time?”

“Starting with Mutuo County in Tibet. Know a chap who can teach some useful meditative techniques. She’s been stressed with the fundraiser recently; figured she’d appreciate it. And I thought I’d show her some of the rare Chinese potions plants while we’re there. Then, off to meditate on Machapuchare. Time permitting, we may hop a few more places, like Uttarakhand, for both Shivling and the Valley of Flowers, or the mountains in La Rinconada.”

“What about Easter Island?”

“She’s been. Besides, hardly anything to see besides the statues—you know they deforested to build those ugly stone faces.”

“Iguazu Falls?”

“Beautiful, but not ideal for meditation. The noise would be too distracting. Never mind the people milling about.”

“Really making an effort with her. Got any other, er, more permanent plans in mind?”

“Had to—she’s more travelled than all the girls of my acquaintance combined. Think I’ve spent more time thinking up ideas than brewing the most finicky potions.”

“She’s keeping you on your toes; it’s good for you. Think you’ll keep her around?”

“It’s only been a few dates. I’m taking things slowly.”

“Not that I’m one to talk about commitment and such, but I saw how happy you were with Iris. So, if Granger fits the bill … ”

“I’ll keep you posted.” 

**scene iv**  
Timeline: 12/52 P.S.  
Location: Taigh Mac Gille Adhagain, Callanish  
In attendance: Susan, Pansy, Padma, Ginny 

“Things seem to be going well with the Setup.”

“Indeed! I’m so jealous of the dates Hermione’s been on. Draco’s got quite the imagination!”

“I’m trying to convince Justin to bring me on that underwater dinner—not only does the vegetarian tasting menu sound amazing, but the view is just breath-taking! Who would’ve thought to have dinner among the sea creatures in the Caribbean, the Great Barrier Reef, and then explore the bottom of the oceans for dessert? The pictures of those transparent creatures were particularly spectacular.”

“I’m trying to do the same, Padma! Only, Cormac’s been fussing again about ‘my condition’. I’ve got him to promise to take me once the sprog is born. And did ’Mione tell you about the concert at Eibingen Abbey in Hesse? Draco got the nuns to sing a selection of Hildegard’s music while a performer read translated excerpts from her writings.”

“You know, Pansy, you and Harry were really bang-on about those two being a good match. He seems to really know what would appeal to her.”

“I’m just relieved that they’ve been able to see past their prejudices and give each other a chance! I’ve had my doubts that, even with the plan, they’d refuse. They’re very stubborn, you know.”

“ _Don’t_ I know! Both Harry and my brother are quite pig-headed, but the fact that _she_ can out-stubborn them … ”

“Yes! Do any of you know what the next date is going to be?”

“I haven’t seen her at all this week.”

“I think she mentioned something about a scavenger hunt in America. Apparently, there’s a Muggle company that organizes these events at the museums of several major cities. Of course, what with the magical and Muggle communities being much more integrated over there than here, the company has a magical counterpart that offers a similar event, but it obviously covers all the cities by Portkey or Apparition. I wonder, though, how they can detract Muggles from accidentally entering the magical wings of these museums and galleries. It’s not as if they can put as strong a repelling charm as Hogwarts, to make Muggles think they are approaching dangerous ruins.”

“I heard they place a modified Confundus to make them think they’ve accidentally wandered off and gotten lost. Given that most museums and galleries are mazes anyway, it’s not that hard to maintain. I’ve never been one for visiting those places; although, for a dare, I _did_ sneak into some of the Muggle sections—making sure there were no Muggles around, of course. Will say this for them: they are much more prolific than our artists.”

“They _do_ outnumber us, Pansy.”

“True, which is why I still find it remarkable that Tori, grown up as sheltered as she was, would want to expose herself so much to them. But she seems to truly enjoy being a liaison between both communities.”

“It’s why she’s so successful and sought after for negotiating trade relations between them.”

“Actually, she told me once that her nanny was wrongfully dismissed when her parents discovered she was a Muggle-born. In retaliation, the nanny kidnapped Astoria and took her into Muggle London to live. She was about five at the time, and it took her parents several months to find them. Meanwhile, she was fascinated with the Muggle way of life, and her nanny taught her a lot of things about the differences between Muggles and wizards, especially when it comes to women’s rights. She says she owes her more liberal outlook to that nanny. She still visits with her.”

“Wow, Susan, I thought that was just a rumour! Her parents certainly denied it ever happened. They must’ve either made Daphne promise not to tell anyone or even performed a memory charm so that she’d forget.”

“Well, they got the Aurors involved, and the Wizengamot was informed. My aunt told me.”

“It certainly explains why Astoria’s so independent. I sometimes envy her: she’s a lot more brave than I could ever be. Aunt Muriel still scolds me for playing professional Quidditch, even though I’m on an all-girls’ team.”

“Just make sure she doesn’t prevent you from going back after the baby’s born, Ginny.”

“Don’t worry: Cormac swore he’d use his charms on her if she made any fuss. Good thing he doesn’t have any issues with it himself—sometimes, he’s even more old-fashioned that Aunt Muriel and my mum combined.”

“First daughter in generations, Ginny.”

“But haven’t I proved to them that I’m just as capable as my brothers?”

“You have, but you’re still their little girl. In spite the bulge.”

“I know.”

“Just be thankful you’re not married to Harry.”

“Hey! What’s wrong with my husband?”

“Nothing. Just that he’s very old-fashioned sometimes, too. I doubt he’d’ve let Ginny go back to Quidditch after the kids are born.”

“That’s one of the reasons things didn’t work out between us. You are definitely the better wife for him, Pansy.”

“Thanks! I never would’ve thought I’d marry a Gryffindor, especially not the Boy-Who-Couldn’t-Die. What enemies we all were in school!”

“Ah, but you changed things around by taking that first step after the battle.”

“Well, I realized for the first time how scary it must have been to face You-Know-Who—”

“ _Voldemort_ , Pansy. You’ve got to get used to calling him that.”

“I know, but it’s hard to re-adjust. I _did_ grow up being taught to fear the name.”

“I remember Hermione, in a fit of pique, yelling that she’s going to put a taboo on ‘You-Know-Who’, kind of like how Voldemort did with his name during the second war, in hopes that it’ll force people to start using the proper name.”

“Ha! If she manages to convince Shacklebolt, she may even get a proper law passed!”

“I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“Although, setting her up with Draco seems to have distracted her a bit. We should compile a list of things we don’t want her to pay attention to and get Draco to occupy her time.”

“Haha! That’s brilliant, Padma! Now, what do you suppose we should start with … ”

 **scene v**  
Timeline: 12/52 P.S.  
Location: The Cat and the Fiddle Pub, Diagon Alley  
In attendance: Ron, Neville, Harry, Dean

"Neville, Luna and I were wondering if you and Daphne would be willing to be godparents to our first child."

"Wow, Dean, I didn't even realize—of course we will! Er, when—?"

"Oh, Luna's not pregnant yet. But we started talking about it the other day, and we just thought we'd ask you first."

"So, Dean, does this mean you two are finally getting married?"

"No, of course not, Ron."

"But ... if you're thinking of babies ... "

"As long as we perform a simple ritual to formally recognize the baby as ours, the magic will ensure that he or she has all the protection needed. You wouldn't know this, but Muggles have what is known as common-law marriages, where the couple is recognized under the law as a committed pair even if they have not performed a marriage ceremony. Their children are recognized and given the same rights as those of married couples. I know that the wizarding world doesn't really have an equivalent acknowledgement, but the Ministry will have to recognize the magic as binding once it has been cast."

"Dean, you're sure of this? I mean, I just don't want anything to happen to you both or the child ... I'll check with the people in Law Enforcement to make sure ... "

"No need, Harry. We already did. The woman we spoke to was surprisingly friendly and confirmed that the ritual covered all requirements. And in case you're worried about Seamus' reaction to this, no need. He's not ready to even contemplate monogamy, so never mind being a possible surrogate father to 'little snotters'."

"Well, since we've ... cleared up the matter, guess there's nothing to say ... I mean, here's to future father, Dean!"

"Cheers!"

 **scene vi**  
Timeline: 13/52 + 1/365 P.S.  
Location: Strome Castle, Scotland  
In attendance: all guest of the Hogwarts annual fundraiser

Hermione had arrived at the castle by midday to oversee the final touches. Satisfied that things were under control, she left the ballroom to change into her evening attire. 

Harry and Pansy were among the first to arrive. Having made the circuit and settled into his second drink, he finally caught sight of Hermione, coming in from one of the side doors.

"You look a little flustered, ’Mione. Cormac corner you again?"

"Shut up, Harry."

“Ow! Why are you women constantly making punching bags out of us?”

“Your fault, Harry James Potter! You couldn’t’ve complimented her on her dress? It’s a lovely shade of lavender, by the way, Hermione! You couldn’t’ve made note of the Gryffindor decor? No, you just _had_ to say she looked dishevelled!”

“But she does! See, her lipstick’s smudged! She’s usually done up more carefully than … wait, is Malfoy around?”

“Haha, very funny, Harry. We’ve spent a few evenings together in public over food and conversation. That’s all. It’s not as if we’re dating.”

Pansy rolled her eyes but let the comment pass. She turned back to her husband. “Besides, Draco is smart enough to make sure she’s straightened out before she steps back into public view, you twit. Do you think you’ll want more evenings together with Draco, Hermione?”

“I do enjoy his company. But as to a future together … it’ll have to depend … ” 

The conversation was interrupted by the arrival of some distinguished guests. As one of the hosts, Hermione had to excuse herself to greet them. It would not be for another several hours before Harry and Pansy could converse with her, and when they did, the situation was eerily _deja vu_.

"You are the most infuriating man I've ever had the misfortune of knowing, Draco 'bent dick' Malfoy!"

"'Bent—'? Well, if I am, you're responsible for making it that way!"

"Oh really? I certainly didn't hear any complaints from you last night!"

"And why should I complain? It's the only time I can get the greatest Gryffindor shrew on her knees and begging!"

"Beg? I do not beg! You must be confusing me with one of your lame fantasies again!"

"Lame? Then, what does that make you if you are a willing and enthusiastic participant of my so-called 'lame' fantasies?"

"Er, Hermione ... "

"Ugh! I can't believe— _not now, Harry!_ —I married you! I must have been insane or suffering some weird form of PTSD!"

"Wait, what? Are you telling me that you're married to the slimy ferret?"

"Did I hear right, Pansy? Did she just say—"

But Pansy did not respond. Instead, she pulled Draco to face her and began pummelling him. Harry managed to shake off the shock, drag her away, and pinion her securely within his embrace. But he knew better than to cast a _Silencio_ when she was in the middle of one of her rants.

"...you spineless flobberworm! After all the effort I put into setting you up with Hermione, you don't even have the decency to inform me that you two got married? That's it! I'm done with you! I don't even know why I was ever friends with you, you selfish, whiny, buggering—mmmmphhhhh!"

The crowd that had gathered around the arguing couple suffered a second shock as they witnessed Draco silencing Pansy with a hard kiss. Harry was too shocked to be angry. 

When Draco pulled back, he sent an apologetic look toward Hermione before turning back to Pansy and saying, "We never meant to make you look foolish, Panse. We were going to wait to tell all of you at Granger's birthday party. But since my darling wife has let the secret out prematurely," he walked back to embrace his no-longer-angry wife, "Hermione Granger and I are pleased to inform you all that we have been—mostly—happily married for the past five years."


	5. Act V

**scene i**  
Timeline: 13/52 + 2/365 P.S.  
Location: Draco’s flat  
In attendance: Draco, Hermione, and all of their angry friends

Their friends never got the chance to interrogate them after Draco’s shocking announcement. He had suddenly changed from a laughing husband with his embarrassed wife’s face buried into his shoulder into an extremely concerned one who rushed out of the ballroom with her in his arms. He had secured them into the adjoining sitting room and determined that the excitement of the evening was too much for her. He overrode her scruples about leaving the event without a hostess and Portkey’d them to his flat, where they Floo’d to their real home. They had decided early on that they would set up anti-Apparition wards around their home to prevent accidental Side-Alongs of friends who had not yet been informed of their change of marital status. He sent an owl to Pansy to take over the event and Granger to bed.

It was mid-morning when Draco felt the tug that alerted him of intruders in his flat. Stumbling through the fireplace, he was startled to see their entire circle of friends gathered about his sitting room. Thank Merlin his half-awoken brain had insisted on a pair of pajama bottoms. Glaring bleary-eyed around at the evilly-smiling faces, he noticed Potter hold up a gray sock and announce, with the most smug face, “Portkey. Life and death circumstances.” Damned Head Auror. He should have heeded the tiny voice that warned against matchmaking the wanker with his best friend. Instead, he sighed and told them to hang onto their hair while he went to wake up Granger. He had the pleasure of having “You still call her Granger?” thrown at his retreating back. He’d get Blaise back later.

Thankfully, Granger awoke to his caresses before long. “Good morning, _vesse vanima_. The time for retribution has arrived. They are all waiting impatiently in my sitting room. Potter broke in.” Hermione chuckled and got up, taking her time to complete her morning routine and even insisting that they both take breakfast. “They’re going to grill us anyway, so we may as well be tortured on a full stomach.”

When they finally stepped through the fireplace, the cacophony of anger soon dissipated as they saw the small but noticeable bulge of her mid-section. Hermione had been hiding her pregnancy with a charm. 

“Would one of you sods like to give my wife a chair? And before we enthrall you with the gruesome details of our dramatic romance, I think an apology to our unborn is required for causing undue stress last night.”

“Oi! The flobberworm grew a spine … and with protruding spikes, too! Your balrog act won’t work, git—they don’t have wings, you said so yourself.”

“Well, if anyone had doubts about whether he was lying about them being married for five years, there’s proof right there! Downright Gryffindor: act first, think later!”

“I can’t believe you haven’t cured him of his snarking ways, Hermione! Don’t tell me you’ve been encouraging him.”

The ruckus carried on for several minutes. Hermione complaisantly entwined her fingers over her bulge and waited. Things came to an abrupt halt when Luna’s voice could finally be heard above the din. “I read that babes in the womb can hex everyone within several yards if they sense that their mothers are being threatened.”

“Thank you, Luna. She’s actually sleeping peacefully at the moment. Seems she follows a different sleep cycle from me. Let’s hope that changes after she’s born.”

“It’s a girl!”

“Once a Weasel King, always a Weasel King! Thanks for clarifying that, your sodding majesty.”

“Oooo! This will be the first daughter in generations! Narcissa must be over the moon!”

“Does she even know?”

“She must—there’s no keeping this from her!”

“Then, that means Mr. and Mrs. Granger know! So, I wasted my time explaining to them about the Setup! _’Mione_ … ”

“Shut it, Potter! I haven’t pressed charges for intruding into my house on false pretenses. If none of you are interested in our story, then we’ll bid you good day and head back home for a few more winks.”

When she was sure she had everyone’s rapt attention, Hermione began. She told them about how they met on vacation to visit the ruins of Edoras and Isengard, after Ron had outed himself and Pansy and Malfoy had finally decided that their comfortable relationship needed to end before they found themselves in bed one morning, married and not knowing how exactly they ended up that way. Being away from their usual environment must have helped because they found each other’s company quite enjoyable. Of course, reality intruded once they returned, but instead of shying away, they discovered that they _wanted_ to continue seeing one another. 

And thus, Iris was created. Yes, Iris was really Hermione in disguise. Did they never wonder why she was constantly unavailable for dinner during that time? Of course, most of them were still single—or at least, not yet married—so, no one realized that Hermione’s unavailability always coincided with Iris’ appearances. Theo and Susan’s marriage made them realize that they were ready to take that step themselves. But there was no way to explain such a sudden decision—and besides, while their interhouse circle was slowly coming together, it was not at a point that they were ready to risk ostracization—so, they eloped and spent their honeymoon on Roke Island. Iris existed for about another year before they decided she was too much trouble to maintain. Ever since her disappearance, they split their time between establishing their lives together and setting up their friends so that, when the time came to reveal their secret, no one would be as shocked.

“Of course, Granger had to go and blurt the truth out.”

“You’ve been married for five years. Shouldn’t you drop the surnames by now?”

“Oh, Malfoy and I agreed that we should keep calling each other by our surnames, so as not to let slip each other’s first names in conversation and raise suspicion.”

“You were clearly sorted into the wrong House, Hermione.”

“Yeah, _she’s_ totally the ideal Slytherin wife. Well, Draco, looks like the trend continues: you didn’t marry some empty-headed chit.”

“So, all this talk about never marrying was just a front.”

“You were inattentive, Marcus. I said I wasn’t getting married in future. I’m already married, you see … ”

“And isn’t it a bit presumptuous of both of you to claim that you set us up?”

“We can’t take credit for Theo and Susan, nor Neville and Daphne, but we certainly facilitated the rest of you! For example, did you never wonder, Ron, why the Muggle club I recommended to you just happened to be a gay one and Terry just happened to be there that night? He told me he was going after work that Friday. And who do you think gave him Molly’s recipe for pork chops? As for Padma and Parvati, tickets to the Weird Sisters concert that I so happened to need to get off my hands because of some other commitment? And Justin and Ernie getting theirs in a ‘lucky draw’ at the Quidditch game they attended? Admittedly, I did have a lot of fun planning your double-dates.”

“What about Pansy and Potter? Don’t tell me you somehow fixed that apology she gave him after he defeated the Big V. That smacks of Imperius, you know.”

“Oh, I can’t take credit for Pansy’s bravery there, but it was certainly an inspiration. Besides, isn’t it natural to want to pair up my best friend with Malfoy’s?”

“I still can’t figure how you set up Pansy and Harry. I know they didn’t accidentally bump into one another anywhere.”

“Pansy has honed her Slytherin abilities like aged wine, so we had to tread carefully. And while it’s more obvious now, Harry’s always shown Slytherin tendencies, and coupled with his Gryffindor stubbornness, it’s been a tricky business getting them together while making it seem like they did it on their own. I left Pansy to Malfoy; I basically found every opportunity I could to highlight Pansy’s virtues to Harry.”

“Wait a minute, that Orphans charity fundraiser that you talked me into hosting. You purposely took on too many projects at work so that you couldn’t help me plan it, and that’s why you got Pansy to take charge.”

“You see, everyone? Slytherin tendencies.”

“If Pansy is the princess, then you’re the queen, Granger.”

“So, I take it you and Malfoy had quite the laugh at our expense over our poor attempts to set you up?”

“I thought it was very sweet of you to go to so much effort. And I was very happy to know that you were not against the idea … enough that you’d actually promote it! I should have had more faith in all of you and told you sooner. I do hope you’ll forgive me.”

“And _I_ thought the quip about me pining for her all this time was the greatest rubbish I’d ever read. _And_ that’s having read those love letters Pansy used to write to—”

“One more word out of you, Draco, and I will not be responsible for your inability to father another child … ”

“Having just the daughter will be good for him, Pansy. What you _should_ do is make sure he can’t complain if I choose to find pleasure in another man’s arms. Hmmm, I really should start deciding who the replacement should be. Now would be the safest time to go through test runs.”

As Malfoy sputtered and the rest of them roared, Hermione grinned saucily up at her husband before snuggling closer and telling him she was joking through her kiss. He played along, but his warning pinch on her butt told her he’d deal with her later, when they were alone. 

**scene ii**  
Timeline: 13/52 + 3/365 P.S.  
Location: Ministry of Magic cafeteria  
In attendance: Ron, Hermione, Harry 

"I don't get it, ’Mione. If you've been married to Malfoy for five years, why do you both still argue like you did in school?"

"The make-up sex is phenomenal."

"Persephone's cold teats, ’Mione, I could've died without knowing that!"

"You're such a prude sometimes, Ron. If it wasn't for the fact that I know Terry doesn't lie, I would never have believed you like being bound to the bed."

"That's not true! I don't—why the hell would he say something like—"

"She's winding you up, Ron. Can't you see that Malfoy-acquired smirk?"

"Pots and kettles, Harry. You've really grown comfortable with your not-so-inner-Slytherin, I've noticed. You're sure your children will be sorted into Gryffindor?"

"'Course they will! They'll be able to choose, just like I did."

"I'm not so sure, Harry. Professor McGonagall's been talking about changing protocol and deferring the sorting until second-year. First years will naturally be divided into two groups by sex, but otherwise, there won't be any division by House. Each group would share common rooms and attend classes based on randomly assigned schedules. Professor McGonagall hopes that this will promote greater interhouse unity by having established friendships, formed by mutual interests, override eventual house rivalries."

"What? Has she gone completely batty? That'll never work anyway—people with similar traits tend to make friends; so, sneaky Slytherins will still be sorted together."

"But Ron, creating Dumbledore's Army managed to help us overcome that, to an extent. And the Second War certainly proved to us how devastating prejudices can be. It's been seven years since Voldemort's defeat, but we're still not even close to the social stability we had during our Hogwarts years. And besides, aren't we, as a group, living proof that interhouse unity can be possible? We have more interhouse pairings than intrahouse ones. Just look at the Quidditch teams you boys play in for sport on weekends. Don't think I didn't hear you complimenting Marcus Flint on his tactical abilities the other day."

"I can never win against you when you're in lecture mode, ’Mione. I swear, you're so like McGonagall that sometimes, I wonder if you're her long-lost niece or something."

"Just be thankful she's not more like Snape and his condescensions, Ron. We'd have to check her for the Imperius and hex Malfoy."

"We can always just hex him."

"Do, and I'll tell Terry you made me cry. I'm sure a week of sleeping in separate bedrooms will do you good."

"That's hitting below the belt, ’Mione!"

"It's her not-so-inner-Slytherin showing. She's clearly channelling that Slytherin husband of hers. We should lock her up and let Molly—no, Ginny cure her of those sneaky tendencies."

"What makes you think that will work? I managed to hide my marriage from you for five years. Surely, I'm beyond help."

“So, ’Mione, it _was_ Malfoy who was responsible for that dishevelled look you sported last night?” Harry chuckled when she finally blushed. “No, not beyond help yet.”

“Well, I hadn’t had dinner with him for the entire week! And I’m usually up early so that I can get off work and still have enough daylight in the afternoon to do finishing plans on the fundraiser. Malfoy—”

“Seized the opportunity to get reacquainted and to remind you that you belong to him. I take it that nothing more than cuddling was all he’d been getting recently. Although, given your condition, I take it that intimacy is not usually an issue.”

“Was it ever an issue with you and Pansy? Especially after you became her one and only?”

“I know he’s your one and only, ’Mione, but are you his?”

“How can you be so sure he’s my first, Ron? I did spend the summer of Fourth with Viktor … ”

“What?! But you—I mean, you seemed so shy about ... when we—does Malfoy know about this?”

“Ron, you really need to stop letting her pull Malfoys on you like that—see, the smirk’s back. Guess it’s too late to question what it is you see in him?”

“I see a lost and lonely little boy who, against the odds of his upbringing, turned into a decent man who isn’t blind to my faults but accepts me as I am in spite of everything, including our unpleasant past.”

“Whoa! That’s too deep for lunch hour—I’m getting indigestion. Ow!”

“If that were true, Ronald, I doubt that Terrence would’ve bothered to check if there was something more beneath that goofball surface.”

“I was born lucky. By the way, you mentioned missing dinner with Malfoy—surely you haven’t suddenly developed a passion for cooking?”

“Of course not. Malfoy cooks. He learned from his house-elves.”

“His parents allowed him to bully the house-elves to teach him to do the servants’ work?!”

“No! You’d be surprised, but Malfoy is very polite and friendly toward them. He grew up playing with them because there was often no one else around who paid attention to him. So, he asked them to teach him as a means of occupying his time. In fact, he cooked up quite an elaborate meal for his parents one night, and they never suspected that he’d been slaving away in the kitchen, refusing to let the elves help.”

“So, ’Mione, when will you be hosting a dinner party for your two best friends?”

“I just had dinner with Pansy and Ginny two nights ago. Of course, they didn’t _know_ Malfoy cooked their meal—they just assumed I got take-away.”

“That’s not what—”

“You know, ’Mione, it wasn’t that long ago that you wouldn’t even acknowledge Panse as an acquaintance, yet she clearly holds a place in your heart—and has apparently bumped me from it!”

“Your ‘petal’ is lovely. Would I have chosen her for you if I thought she was unworthy? We got to know each other when I was disguised as Iris; we bonded over teasing Malfoy.”

“You know, she told me last night that she always thought there was something familiar about Iris, and when you two started getting acquainted—you as your real self—she thought it was so easy to talk with you! Now we know why!”

“Getting married was something Malfoy and I did rather impulsively and quickly. So, we agreed that we would take the first few years to really get to know each other and figure out how to make things work. Iris was convenient because we could publicly show affection without the stigma we’d otherwise have had to deal with. But as I got to know him and his friends, it became harder to keep my real self separate and concealed. So, we dispensed with her and got Astoria to help us. I’ve even disguised as her for a couple of events where I knew I wouldn’t be expected to attend.”

“So, Astoria’s been in on the secret all this time.”

“And Malfoy’s parents are fine with it?”

“It’s taken some time for them to truly accept me into the family, but they are less prejudiced than you think. Lucius told me one time, in a burst of honesty, that he’d been regretting his choice of sides ever since he learned that Voldemort had returned.”

“I didn’t think he had an honest bone in his body. Isn’t it against some sort of Slytherin code?”

“Then again, Ron, he ignored generations of brainwashing to accept Hermione as part of the family. Maybe she’s helping bring out his inner Gryffindor.”

“But why his and not the ferret’s?”

“Probably because the son’s is an inner Hufflepuff?”

“Ha! Wouldn’t it just kill them if the sprogs sorted into that House? Ow! Kidding, ’Mione!”

“I still remember the hex that gave Marietta her lovely pimples, Ronald.”

“Oh, c’mon, ’Mione. You wouldn’t want to mess up the face of your daughter’s favourite uncle, would you?”

“Hey! _I’m_ going to be her favourite uncle! Panse and I came up with the plan to bring her parents together, remember?”

“Yeah, but they were already married _and_ expecting!”

“Nonetheless, I get credit for helping them spill the beans. _I_ get the title!”

“Where are you going, ’Mione?”

“Back to work. My daughter doesn’t like to hear you two bicker.”

“Well, it’s not as if her parents don’t constantly bicker. Ow!”

“Yep, I’m the favourite uncle. Better owl Panse.” 

**scene iii**  
Timeline: 22/52 P.S.  
Location: undisclosed Granger-Malfoy residence  
In attendance: Draco and Hermione

Draco was laying the plates on the table when he felt familiar arms wrap around his waist and a cheek press against his back.

“Hello … Draco.” They were trying hard to get used to first names, but years of habit were hard to break, especially when they called out surnames during intimacy. Each other’s, that is. 

Hermione’s greeting was echoed by some enthusiastic kicking from her belly. She could hear the joy in Draco’s voice even as he drawled, “Tell the offspring that spanking me is reserved for her mother,” which garnered him a light slap on the shoulder.

“You’ve always claimed that Malfoys like their women capable of ‘kicking ass’, as they say, so stop being such a hypocrite!”

“Not Malfoy asses! It’s disrespectful to bite the hand that feeds you or, in this case, the one who gave life.”

“So, it’s all right to kick sodding Weasel and Potter asses?”

“Yes … I mean, only when they deserve it. Which, granted, is often. Ow!”

“Not as often as sodding Malfoys. But since her mother has been given permission to spank her father … I should mention that to Narcissa. Lucius could certainly use a whipping, at times. I’ll tell her she has your blessing.”

“Argh! Did you _have_ to put that horrible image into my head?”

“You just have a dirty mind, Malfoy.”

“Ah, but you _like_ my mind. You like how it comes up with new ways to make you scream.”

“And it often deserves the slaps you get for not having a filter between it and your mouth.”

“Often? So, you admit that you _do_ like to abuse me for no reason.”

“I have reasons for everything I do.”

“So, what ‘reason’ do you have for abusing me without explanation?”

“It’s practice to stay in shape for the majority of the time when you _do_ deserve it.”

“Hey! I thought Gryffindors were all about fair play!”

“My Slytherin husband corrupted me.”

“I merely facilitated the expression of your inner Slytherin. I really should speak with McGonagall about the Sorting Hat. It clearly misread you—you should at least have been placed in Ravenclaw.”

“Perhaps it knew I would be destined to marry a Slytherin prat and need to keep him in line.”

“I thought you said Divination is a load of dung.”

“I never said that! I just think that it has faulty logic. You don’t believe in it, either.”

“So then, we should technically thank Pansy for breaking up with me and sending me into your arms.”

“If that’s the case, we should thank Ron, too.”

“Malfoys don’t thank Weasleys. It’s against our code of conduct.”

“Is that so? And what sort of punishment is dished out for making wives cry?”

“Malfoys treat their wives like queens. The only tears evoked are happy ones.”

“So, happiness is the priority?”

“Of course.”

“Well, it would make me _ever_ so happy if you thanked Ron for being an _integral_ part of our current state of bliss.”

Draco had by now turned around. Twining his fingers through her hair, he gently tilted her head up and gave her a stare that normally made her knees buckle. He leaned forward and saw her eyes begin to close in anticipation. But before he kissed her and swallowed her reply, he whispered, “Heartfelt thanks to Weasel King when there are two more little Malfoys tearing about the house.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven’t figured it out, “B.S.” stands for “before Setup” and “P.S.” “post-Setup”. Yes, I know, mismatched pair, but the acronyms were just too funny not to use as such!


	6. Bonus Scene

Timeline: ? P.S.  
Location: foyer of Exbury Hall  
In Attendance: all invited guests

"Hello, Potsy!" 

"You really need to stop calling me that, Draco! I stopped calling you 'Drakie' since we were six!"

"You married a Potter, Panse. Pots-and-pans. Can't blame me!"

"Well then, technically, I should thank you for being my matchmaker all those years ago!"

"What? For the record, I never wanted you to marry Potty! And by the way, where is that patsy husband of yours? Hmmm ... never mind, I take back what I said just now. I'll call you two Patsy and Poncy Potter instead!"

"’Mione, good of you to come! Hello, Snaky-Draky! You know, I really like this nickname Ron coined. Although, after almost falling off your broom last week, should call you 'Shaky-Draky'. And we need to put some extra cushioning charms for you. How would we ever explain to Hermione if you became Breaky-Draky?"

Beside the scowling Draco, Hermione convulsed and would've fallen onto the floor if she had not been clutching his arm.


End file.
